Learning To Love

Elder Holland said in his talk on Saturday morning that "Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet in part because righteousness was always supposed to accompany it." This got me thinking more about the link between love and righteousness.

... bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love;

This is from Alma 38:12, where Alma is giving council to his son Shiblon. Reading this scripture as a young man made me ask myself: why is self-control so important for being able to love others? Now that I have been an adult for a little bit and I have a small amount of experience as a husband and a father the answer is a little more obvious. In many cases, loving someone else means putting their needs before your needs. When you have small children, you often need to put their need for food, sleep, a hug, or something else before your need for peace, quiet, or order. Frequently I see myself needing to learn this lesson again and again, and needing more and more self-control to apply it appropriately.

That is one explanation, but there are far more. Not mentioned in this scripture is that Shiblon's brother seemingly had recently committed adultery instead of doing missionary work. It begs the question: can a man who can't control his lust truly love a woman? Obviously, being in control can mean different things, but certainly a man must be in control enough to recognize that his partner is a person and not an object to be used in order to express real love for her.

Imagine how many hateful things have been said and how many relationships have been ruined because of moments of weakness. All kinds of abuse would either greatly diminish or go away entirely if it weren't for times that we really aren't in control of ourselves. All of the commandments teach us discipline and self-control in one way or another, therefore helping us to love and not hate.

I have personal experience in many parts of my life where my attempts at following God's commandments have lead me to deeper love and understanding. I know that trying to be closer to Him makes me closer to those around me; its making more out of me than I could ever make of myself.

Charity

Charity is explained in the scriptures as "the pure love of Christ." I would compare it to the love that most humans share with other humans as the way a drop of water compares to the ocean.

One might ask, you love this person, but would you die for them? This question demonstrates a small piece of the difference between basic love and charity, but it is only a beginning. There are people I would give my life for in a heartbeat, but they are people who love me in return and bring me great personal joy. I could and would suffer many things for them; however, this doesn't really compare with what Christ did for us. He gave His life for all, including those whom He knows will never repent. He gave His life for those that would crucify Him; He gave His life those that would conspire against Him. He gave His life for everyone, no matter how recalcitrant and unworthy. No dividing lines were drawn.

Pondering such acts of love is almost stupefying; I at least cannot comprehend such purity and devotion. I think that the most noble things I do are at best vaguely similar this kind of love. Emphasis on vaguely.

The scriptures teach us that we are nothing if we do not have charity. At the same time, honest reflection likely points out that we do few to no things which equal the love evident in our Lord's redeeming sacrifice, or in other words, we have a long way to go to meet this commandment. Teachings such as this can serve as powerful reminders of our own need to rely on Christ, no matter how strong/smart/attractive/powerful/rich/whatever else we think we are.

For me, brushes with charity serve as an additional reminder. I know that charity is real because I have felt it, even if for fleeting moments. I have felt Christ's love for others only in moments of service, and in those moments it has been very obvious that it was not my love I felt. In an instant I contemplated a person's many faults and shortcomings, simultaneously feeling nothing but the desire to wrap them in my arms and stop all pain, reassure all self-doubts, and buoy up their spirits in every way. Some feelings defy the constraints inherent in language, but I pray that the Holy Ghost can carry the meaning to you.

Nothing is more real than the love that our Father and our Redeemer have for us. They love us completely and want to be intimately involved in our lives. Of this I am certain.

Self-Control Works Exactly How It Sounds

He who takes offense when offense was not intended is a fool, yet he who takes offense when offense was intended is an even greater fool for he has succumbed to the will of his adversary.

This quote is commonly attributed to Brigham Young. For me, there's obvious wisdom here: if I allow myself to be offended I'm giving up some control over myself to someone else. (Obviously, accepting this quote requires admitting that we're all foolish sometimes, but that's ok to me.) Its important to remember that I can ultimately decide how I feel; the more I develop self-control the more I can enjoy mastery over my own feelings.

The splendor of this idea is made obvious when we contrast this idea with the era of political-correctness; some in our society seem to believe that feeling offended is a righteous pursuit. I have heard many people suggest that you have no choice except to feel victimized if someone does certain things or says certain things. Freedom of choice is bestowed on all of us by God, and no one can take it from you if you don't let them.

Just like any discipline, this takes practice. We can start out small. Let's say: no one who is rude to me today means anything by it. Its probably something in his or her personal life. Often times, this is actually even a correct statement. Little by little, I develop more and more ability to be happy, despite how others may treat me.

As I work to develop more self-control there is a power beyond my own will available to me. Our Common Father blesses us with opportunities to develop self-control and helps us through them. I know because He helps me, despite my many short-comings. I know that He wants our freedom; He wants all of us to have the strength to choose, even if it is something we must work towards.

I believe in repentance. If someone offends me and I won't let it go, then in that moment I'm not showing much faith in repentance. If I can find the faith to leave it in the Lord's hands and not take offense, then my self-control will become a gift that keeps on giving; I gain more control of who I am and who I am becoming. This is the opposite of easy, and, like all Gospel ideals, is something we all need to improve.

I testify that God wants us to control our thoughts, our emotions, and our bodies. Through self-control, we can. We can eventually become free from all of the ills of the world, little by little, line upon line, precept upon precept.

Strength Through Humility

I've been thinking about how strong people who are truly humble become, or how we can all be strong in moments of humility. I think that in pretty much any circumstance we're better off being humble than being prideful, so let me present two brief case studies.

Case 1: I'm 90% sure I'm right about something.
- Humility: consider reasonable objections. If I'm right or if I'm wrong, considering these things appropriately will probably make me understand the idea better by the time I'm done.
- Pride: rule out other ideas. My 90% is better than most people's 110%, so why waste my time?

Case 2: I've reached my conclusion, but I am confronted with a challenge to my conclusion.

- Pride: discount all evidence to the contrary, and if eventually I can't deny it any more then I'll pretend I didn't really think that in the first place and claim people misunderstood.
- Humility: consider if there's merit to the challenge. If there is, think it through and decide whether or not to change your mind. Doing this with humility, when wrong, will help you change your mind.

   - What if you're right? Does humility require you to endlessly ponder being wrong? In my opinion you can accept certain things as proven and remain humble. This is why I say consider if there's a merit to the challenge.


Obviously these are very abstract case studies, but I think that being humble is more practical in almost all cases, if your objective is reaching the truth. These simple examples are backup for what President Benson eloquently taught: "Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression." I know these are hardly exhaustive examples, but I think that in just about any situation a humble person is likely to progress faster than a proud one.

However, we haven't yet discussed the strength from humbling ourselves before God. What if you knew that something you were doing was something God meant for you to do? Wouldn't it help you stick to it and help uplift you through difficult times? How could you gain that conviction? In my estimation, only someone who has humbled themselves and asked Heavenly Father can truly gain this conviction.


I remember a decision I had to make a few years ago. Essentially, I needed to decide whether or not I was willing to accept some additional responsibility. It was a situation where no one would've blamed me if I'd said no, which is what I fully intended to do. Fortunately, I received the inspiration to pray about it. When I did, the answer was unmistakeable: I needed to accept. It wasn't easy to carry out; the reasons I was going to say no were all obstacles that still had to be overcome, but knowing that it was what I was supposed to be doing sustained me. Eventually, I was able to measure up to the task. Looking back, accepting the responsibility has blessed me tremendously; it is among the best decisions I've ever made.

I wish I could sustain that decision-making ability always, but I have a very long way to go. I can say that when I look at my life with perspective I see that humility has blessed me and uplifted me, while pride has damned me, just as the prophet taught.

Can It Be? - A Poem

Can it be?
They say this Man
can heal broken hearts.

It is no small thing
for doctors to set broken bones
and carefully treat illness.

Despite all procedure
and protocol
some are still lost.

The cure for
pains that are hidden
is knowable to none.

The unspeakable,
too painful to codify
with spoken words -

surely this pain
will never leave me:
it can't be articulated.

And yet,
as I live and breathe
He does this and more.

The cancer of my soul
not merely contained
but healed without a scar.

Dealing With Death

Of the trials that can shock us to the core, dealing with the death of someone close to us has to be about as difficult as anything else. For a few months now I've been collecting my thoughts on this subject, and now seems as good a time as any to share them.

First, I want to say that in my estimation grieving is necessary, helpful, and appropriate. I have heard some say that if you believe in the potential for eternal life then death doesn't need to be sad. I agree that death won't be sad forever, but there are people I certainly wish I could see again. There are inputs I won't have any more in this life, and to me that is sad. I have learned the hard way that refusing to confront emotion can be very damaging. The bard was onto something when through MacDuff he affirmed the value of "[feeling] it as a man."

Different experiences I've had bring me comfort on the subject. I remember my Uncle JP, when he was dying, said that he saw his parents waiting for him. I don't believe that this was a hallucination due to a failing physical body; I believe that the veil is thinner as you approach it. It comforts me to know that those who leave loved ones here on earth will be with loved ones still when they pass from this life. We cannot directly comfort them nor they us but others can, and to me that is beautiful. The sealing powers will take ailing bodies home to ancestors - including in many cases parents - who long to be closer to them, to know and to make known. None are alone in the eternities.

The mother of that same uncle, my sweet Granny Karnes, suffered for many years preceding the end of her life. For many years rheumatoid arthritis gradually took more and more of physical health; dementia came later to attack her mental health. Most of my memories of her include a hospital bed which was in her living room. When I picture her now, I see her flying. I know that none of these diseases can hurt her or cause her pain any more. I among others mourned her death but I take comfort that she is free from pains that never left her all the years I knew her on this earth. Not all that die suffer chronically before their death, but all become freed from physical pain, including the cruel pains of mental illness, and to me this is also beautiful.

Finally, I know that through the Atonement, all accounts will eventually be settled. Many in this life are born into poverty, tribulations, handicaps, or what have you. Nothing is more common to mankind than trials. Death is one of the steps towards rectifying everything that happens in life. I do not know how it works or why things happen how they happen, but I know that there is a plan. All of us experience what we need to have the opportunity to return to live with our Heavenly Father again, and I believe that more of the plan will be knowable and comprehensible after death than before. To put it differently, I believe that many who cannot feel the warm embrace of Christ's love now will feel it stronger after passing through the veil, and to me that is profoundly beautiful.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World Part II

I'd like to continue writing about this 18.5 year old proclamation. This blog post will be about the first part of the third-to-last paragraph. The first post discusses a different part of the same paragraph.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. 

I know that families are the structure that God has given us to help us through this life. There are many benefits to family life, not the least of which is how much parents learn from attempting to raise children. Raising children can help you learn by putting someone else ahead of yourself and by giving you experiences that are hard to find elsewhere*.

We try to follow Christ; His entire life and sacrifice were putting everyone ahead of Himself. He thought and worked for our needs, not His. As parents we do this in weak and imperfect ways, but it can help us learn a bit about His love.

I think I can offer a simple example about the learning experiences of raising children. Children misbehave, and tantrums are especially hard to deal with; one often feels like using the harshest discipline available to force the child to stop immediately. However, tantrums are often motivated by being tired, scared, hungry, needing a diaper change, or something more than just misbehaving. An exhausted child often can't behave well, and in many cases yelling makes it worse. In many cases the best solution is to solve the underlying problem. Eventually, this can help us realize that even when we know we are right we often shouldn't lord it over those who are wrong, because this is usually unproductive and incorrect.

Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.

This is an intriguing quote. We live in a very individualistic world, preoccupied with the rights (or entitlements) of the individual. The list of things society says we have a right to is ever-growing, including at times the ridiculous. Some parts of society will say its our right to eat out, have the best cable television package, and drive an expensive car for example. However, this sentence speaks of the rights of the children brought into this world.

Every child is entitled to be born to married, loving parents who are faithful to each other and their children. Imagine a world filled with individuals that honored this right of children above individualistic rights. Certainly, being a faithful member of a family requires many sacrifices, including some that are very difficult. All those who decide to entitle their families with this blessing will experience tremendous joy in their family, and will know of the unspeakable blessing that a family is in their lives.



*Obviously, not everyone has the chance to raise children in this life. My understanding of the plan of salvation is that we will all have the experiences in this life that we need to prepare us to receive exaltation in God's Kingdom. It can be extremely painful to realize that God won't give us something we desperately want, but I believe in an Infinite Atonement that will eventually correct every inequality.